Today I had an amazing day surrounded by horses, which I haven't done in so long and I realized how much I miss it. I miss being able to ride and the peace that it brought me. I know Feather can be ridden, and I know I've decided to "retire" her because of the abuse that she endured, but I think I'm going to find a saddle and find my peace again. I think that is something that is missing from my life, is inner peace, the peace I find when I'm riding a horse, just me and him, moving as one. It's all such an amazing thing and feeling! I just hope it is something that I am able to do with very little pain.
I am laying in bed right now with a heating pad slowly setting my skin on fire, but it seems to be the only thing that can relax the muscles and kill the pain lately. The pain is starting to creep into my knee which is soo painful, but I'm hoping that when I wake up tomorrow it will be gone. All because I was on my feet all day! I am going to admit that it felt good to do it. I knew I would be in pain later, and I knew that I would pay the price, but it's okay because today was the best I had felt in a very long time, it felt good to feel good, to feel alive and "normal"! I forgot how nice it was to be/feel normal... it's been six years since I was able to feel that way and I'm so grateful that I was able to experience it!
Tomorrow I hope to do some working out, and make sure I'll be able to walk the 3.2 miles for the Arthritis Walk that is coming up this Saturday. I am so excited to go and walk this, but I enjoy all the walks I do. I always think these walks are such amazing ways to bring awareness to such worthy causes and foundations, ones that would probably be swept under the rug and never noticed if they weren't done. I know that so many people don't take arthritis that serious, that it's just something that a lot of people go through and they may get aches when the rain is coming or they're getting old, but really it affects MILLIONS of us, and it definitely affects millions of us in a very painful way. It changes our lives forever, and it's something that is mostly out of our control. This is a disease that we can manage, but we can never truly win against. That's why we need walks and fundraisers so that we are able to research this further, so we are able to better understand, manage and possibly cure this disease, be able to implement better preventative measures. This isn't just a disease old people get, this is something that affects everyone young and old alike.
Okay time for some sleep and cuddle time with my heating pad! GOODNIGHT!!
I severely injured my hip when I was 22 years old. Since then I have been diagnosed with traumatic arthritis of the hip, osteoarthritis of the hip and femoral acetabular impingement. This blog is my way of getting out the feelings I have, and the pain and trouble those of us who suffer from arthritis go through on a daily basis. It is a debilitating disease that I believe too many people ignore or set aside as no big deal.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
I Hate Taking Pills!
It all started last night.. about 8 pm... I felt a twinge in my left hip and it gradually grew from there to pain that woke me up at three this morning and I have been up since. If you noticed I said left hip, left...not my right hip... not the one that's all messed up...but my left. I literally broke into tears and a panic attack. I can't have both hips riddled with arthritis, I have one and that has slowed down my life enough, with two I don't know if my life will be able to slow down that much. So many more things will slip through my fingertips...ones I'm already on the verge of losing. I made a doctors appointment and went to see a doctor who I have never seen before, and he was absolutely amazing. He had me do some range of motion, poked and prodded, and then sent me onto x-rays. He told me if he saw anything negative on the xrays, including arthritis he would call me, and I didn't hear from him so I'm guessing he didn't see any arthritis which is a relief. I'm hoping that it ends up being just a pulled muscle and not something that he missed, or that he didn't even look at the x-rays like he said he would. I guess I could try to call him tomorrow and see whats going on, maybe talk to his nurse to make sure he actually did look at them and that they were clear. Now it's just something that is always on my mind, that maybe arthritis has moved into there, that all of our doctors have been so focused on my right hip that we've missed something in my left hip, that we may have missed the damage there. That is such a scary thought, but I know if one day it happens and they say it's there, I know I'll keep my head up and stay strong, because it's really the only option for all of us. To keep our heads up and keep moving!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Time To Kick My Ass In Gear!
Got back from the doctors around 12pm (ok ok I went to Target to do some shopping first!) and have been mulling around the house pretty depressed. It's weird, the appointment wasn't even about my hip (it was a physical) and that's all he wanted to talk about. I am so sick of medical professionals deciding that I always want to talk about it. There are so many other things in this world that I want to talk about and my disability is not one of them. So frustrating when you're my age and have been diagnosed with OA because that is ALL they want to talk about! "so it hurts how often" ALL THE FUCKING TIME! "and on a scale of 1-10"... take your scale and shove it! I have physical therapists, orthopedists, physicians... people I see only once or twice... so interested in my case that they follow it, they keep track of my treatments and my symptoms and that is just mind boggling to me. Why am I so interesting? go follow someone else. I try to live my life as normal as possible, trying to forget that I have this disease. I want to wake up in the morning and not be reminded that I am seen as disabled, that when I go places I have limitations, I can't run around and goof off like my friends and family can. I can't go running with my dogs or go jogging on the beach. When I apply for jobs I have to let them know that there are aspects of the job that I won't be able to fulfill because of my limitations. It's all so frustrating and weighs on me so heavily that it is beyond ridiculous. I just want to scream, pull my hair out and punch things. I just want to be able to be normal, to live a normal life, not to always be reminded that I'm broken :( There is always a dull pain, 100% of the time, that lets me know that the little man is in there just waiting for my to step wrong to pinch me over and over again. I keep trying to keep my head up but lately I feel like I'm drowning, like I can't catch my breath and I'm losing the battle. I do know I need to keep fighting, that soon enough I'll be able to take a big, deep breath and know that it's all okay. We all face challenges and mine are worse than some, but I'll still make it through. I'll be strong and at the end of it all know that I was the strongest and as determined as I could be and I didn't let it win... I didn't let it defeat me, instead I fought back... I will always fight back. I may not always win the fights, but I damn well will win the battle...
okay, so onto the doctors appointment:
he told me losing weight would be a good idea for my health and for my hip so yay on that! Now I just need to find the motivation and get my diet on point. I went and bought a new cookbook today and it's got over 500 recipes that are healthy and there's like 350 of them that I absolutely think I'm going to love. My mouth was watering just reading what the ingredients were, so hopefully this will help. He also diagnosed me with migraines, which was one of the last things I expected, but it is what it is. He says it's most likely stress and tension (gee I wonder where that comes from) and I should try to relax, so I'm going to try yoga, or pilates or something once our finances get a little bit better, which entails me finding a job! so wish me luck on that!!
okay time for sleep!!! pills have kicked in!!
okay, so onto the doctors appointment:
he told me losing weight would be a good idea for my health and for my hip so yay on that! Now I just need to find the motivation and get my diet on point. I went and bought a new cookbook today and it's got over 500 recipes that are healthy and there's like 350 of them that I absolutely think I'm going to love. My mouth was watering just reading what the ingredients were, so hopefully this will help. He also diagnosed me with migraines, which was one of the last things I expected, but it is what it is. He says it's most likely stress and tension (gee I wonder where that comes from) and I should try to relax, so I'm going to try yoga, or pilates or something once our finances get a little bit better, which entails me finding a job! so wish me luck on that!!
okay time for sleep!!! pills have kicked in!!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The Story
I realized as I read through some of my posts (yes I re-read my own posts like a thousand times!) that I never even told the story how I ended up with arthritis, or what it was like the day I was diagnosed and since the job hunt is driving me nuts right now, I figured I could take some time to do so. Here it is, the story of the beginning of a whole new life...not exactly the life I wanted but the one I was handed::
It was April 1, 2004 (yes April Fools day) and a friend, who we shall call "A", and I had just finished horseback riding. We went back to my dad's rental house, he was in the process of waiting for his house to be re-built after the 2003 Cedar Fire, to take showers and get ready for whatever adventure was awaiting us that night. As I was taking a shower I yelled out to A that I really wanted some ice cream, preferably Cold Stone ice cream. She agreed and offered to drive us there and to save gas and money of course I agreed, that was my biggest mistake. We climbed in her two door white Honda civic and started our way out of my neighborhood when she mentioned that she didn't know how to set the clock on her car stereo and was wondering if I would be able to do it. I reached into her center console, which I left the lid open, and started browsing through the owners manual to find how to set the clock. She turned down one of the main streets in the town we were in, the town I had grown up in, and continued driving, and I continued trying to set that damn stereo clock. In the flash of a second a moment of dread came over me and I thought to myself "we should've stopped there", and before I could even look up or react I heard A scream and felt the impact of the car coming to a sudden stop into the side of a Chevy Silverado. Other than the scream all I remember is the hood crumpling in on us and A running around frantically telling me the car was going to explode and that I needed to get out of the car. I tried to move my right leg and it was as if my brain and my leg weren't working together, they didn't want to function together in a positive way. I looked at her with tears in my eyes and just started screaming "I can't feel my fucking leg!!" Finally I was pulled from the car by someone who still remains unknown to me, and when I hit the pavement I heard a loud pop and all the sudden the feeling rushed back into my leg and I hobbled with the help of strangers to the curb. I don't remember much other than my elbow was bleeding all down my favorite pants because it had gotten stuck on the lid to the center console, my hip hurt and there were paramedics swarming around me telling me I needed to go to the hospital because they were pretty sure at one point my hip had become dislocated. From that moment of them taking me into the ambulance it is all pretty mundane. I got to the ER, they told me since they had no proof of the dislocation they would give me crutches I should use for the next few days and I should be fine. They stitched up my elbow and sent me on my way home with no real explanation of what had happened to me and what the possible consequences might be.
Fast forward six months later and my boyfriend at the time (who is now my husband) had surprised me with a trip to Disneyland for Halloween! I was so excited and was bouncing all over the truck the whole two hour drive up there. I couldn't contain myself, a man who loved Disneyland with me?! What could be better!! We started our day in Adventureland and began to work our way through New Orleans when I realized how tired I already was. I had no idea what was going on, I realized I had gained some weight, okay gained A LOT of weight, but I mostly attributed it to not horseback riding anymore and becoming incredibly comfortable in the relationship I was in. Throughout the day I continually became tired and having to sit down. I was experiencing weird pains in my right hip, debilitating pains where tears would brim in my eyes on the verge of exploding over. I didn't know what was wrong, but I did know I was scared shitless. On the way home I was telling Rob how I felt, how scared I was and he told me that I should go see the doctor, see what they say. The next day I called and made an appointment to see my physician.
It took four visits, two doctors, and one MRI for them to finally diagnose me. At first it was traumatic arthritis of the right hip and quickly progressed to osteoarthritis. At first I thought nothing of it, just like I'm sure most people do. It was something I tried to ignore and just continue on with my life, but in the three months that the doctors visits had started the pain was only getting worse, the fatigue was beating me up and my couch had become my best friend. It was all draining me, depressing me and I was only on a spiral of down. I finally was told to go to an outside specialist, Dr. Muldoon, who would help me with the pinching and pain. He did an arthroscope and cleaned out the labrum that had been torn, the cartilage that had some loose and tried to find the parts of my femur that had chipped off, but to no avail. When I finally went in for my follow up appointment he explained to me that I have severe arthritis and I was missing a baseball sized chunk of cartilage off of my pelvis where my femur would make contact. Once I realized the severity of the situation I realized how this disability would hinder my life. I began to lose the weight I had gained knowing it would be one of the best ways for my hip to feel a little better, and I also have been going to my doctors religiously. They don't seem to know what to do with me, but they definitely keep finding things wrong with me and adding diagnoses on top of diagnoses. It can be defeating at times and whenever I hang my handicap placard or get my handicap card from Disneyland tears still fill my eyes knowing that there is a part of me that has admitted defeat, because there's not much I can do about the fatigue that happens, or about the accident. Mentally and the physical parts I can control will never be defeated, I will never lose to any of this. I am here to be an inspiration to those who feel as though they can't keep going, those who try to make excuses not to be active. No one can have an excuse not to do anything if they are perfectly healthy and I am hiking mountains... no more excuses...
It was April 1, 2004 (yes April Fools day) and a friend, who we shall call "A", and I had just finished horseback riding. We went back to my dad's rental house, he was in the process of waiting for his house to be re-built after the 2003 Cedar Fire, to take showers and get ready for whatever adventure was awaiting us that night. As I was taking a shower I yelled out to A that I really wanted some ice cream, preferably Cold Stone ice cream. She agreed and offered to drive us there and to save gas and money of course I agreed, that was my biggest mistake. We climbed in her two door white Honda civic and started our way out of my neighborhood when she mentioned that she didn't know how to set the clock on her car stereo and was wondering if I would be able to do it. I reached into her center console, which I left the lid open, and started browsing through the owners manual to find how to set the clock. She turned down one of the main streets in the town we were in, the town I had grown up in, and continued driving, and I continued trying to set that damn stereo clock. In the flash of a second a moment of dread came over me and I thought to myself "we should've stopped there", and before I could even look up or react I heard A scream and felt the impact of the car coming to a sudden stop into the side of a Chevy Silverado. Other than the scream all I remember is the hood crumpling in on us and A running around frantically telling me the car was going to explode and that I needed to get out of the car. I tried to move my right leg and it was as if my brain and my leg weren't working together, they didn't want to function together in a positive way. I looked at her with tears in my eyes and just started screaming "I can't feel my fucking leg!!" Finally I was pulled from the car by someone who still remains unknown to me, and when I hit the pavement I heard a loud pop and all the sudden the feeling rushed back into my leg and I hobbled with the help of strangers to the curb. I don't remember much other than my elbow was bleeding all down my favorite pants because it had gotten stuck on the lid to the center console, my hip hurt and there were paramedics swarming around me telling me I needed to go to the hospital because they were pretty sure at one point my hip had become dislocated. From that moment of them taking me into the ambulance it is all pretty mundane. I got to the ER, they told me since they had no proof of the dislocation they would give me crutches I should use for the next few days and I should be fine. They stitched up my elbow and sent me on my way home with no real explanation of what had happened to me and what the possible consequences might be.
Fast forward six months later and my boyfriend at the time (who is now my husband) had surprised me with a trip to Disneyland for Halloween! I was so excited and was bouncing all over the truck the whole two hour drive up there. I couldn't contain myself, a man who loved Disneyland with me?! What could be better!! We started our day in Adventureland and began to work our way through New Orleans when I realized how tired I already was. I had no idea what was going on, I realized I had gained some weight, okay gained A LOT of weight, but I mostly attributed it to not horseback riding anymore and becoming incredibly comfortable in the relationship I was in. Throughout the day I continually became tired and having to sit down. I was experiencing weird pains in my right hip, debilitating pains where tears would brim in my eyes on the verge of exploding over. I didn't know what was wrong, but I did know I was scared shitless. On the way home I was telling Rob how I felt, how scared I was and he told me that I should go see the doctor, see what they say. The next day I called and made an appointment to see my physician.
It took four visits, two doctors, and one MRI for them to finally diagnose me. At first it was traumatic arthritis of the right hip and quickly progressed to osteoarthritis. At first I thought nothing of it, just like I'm sure most people do. It was something I tried to ignore and just continue on with my life, but in the three months that the doctors visits had started the pain was only getting worse, the fatigue was beating me up and my couch had become my best friend. It was all draining me, depressing me and I was only on a spiral of down. I finally was told to go to an outside specialist, Dr. Muldoon, who would help me with the pinching and pain. He did an arthroscope and cleaned out the labrum that had been torn, the cartilage that had some loose and tried to find the parts of my femur that had chipped off, but to no avail. When I finally went in for my follow up appointment he explained to me that I have severe arthritis and I was missing a baseball sized chunk of cartilage off of my pelvis where my femur would make contact. Once I realized the severity of the situation I realized how this disability would hinder my life. I began to lose the weight I had gained knowing it would be one of the best ways for my hip to feel a little better, and I also have been going to my doctors religiously. They don't seem to know what to do with me, but they definitely keep finding things wrong with me and adding diagnoses on top of diagnoses. It can be defeating at times and whenever I hang my handicap placard or get my handicap card from Disneyland tears still fill my eyes knowing that there is a part of me that has admitted defeat, because there's not much I can do about the fatigue that happens, or about the accident. Mentally and the physical parts I can control will never be defeated, I will never lose to any of this. I am here to be an inspiration to those who feel as though they can't keep going, those who try to make excuses not to be active. No one can have an excuse not to do anything if they are perfectly healthy and I am hiking mountains... no more excuses...
Monday, May 24, 2010
Good Feelings Good Vibes
This weekend has been so beyond hectic that I have barely been able to find time to touch the computer, so I guess it's only fair that I catch up on here! So awaaaaay we go!
Saturday: Mostly did yardwork around the front. Finally got the driveway cleaned up, mowed the pasture again (the damn foxtails are insane this year!!), next to the dogs fence and part of the back property and side property. I was going to do more but then noticed that I was basically out of gas, so it was either take it back to the garage or run out of gas and have to push that damn thing across 3 acres... and I don't know how far that really is, but definitely not something that I would do. Who pushes a riding mower??!? HaHaHa! I loved riding that thing, but it was a bad idea on this day. I ended up on it for five hours! Are you fucking kidding me? Five hours?!Five hours of vibrations and balancing on that little seat did not do much for my hip. Basically my arms, feet and left leg were numb... my right leg... well to put it nicely it hated me. Hated me all day so much! I couldn't walk for more than five minutes before my hip would say "nope, no more". So aggravating and frustrating!!
Sunday: The hubby and I went to my psuedo moms birthday party at the apartment complex. We had so much fun! Lots of good food, good company and soaking in the jacuzzi. The hip and the jacuzzi, they had a moment together and it was a beautiful moment. Little pinchy man went on vacation or something because my hip felt absolutely GLORIOUS. I wish that it could feel that way everyday. How amazing would that be?! Not to have that dull pain that you try so hard to ignore, but there's just no way because on misstep, one turn the wrong way and BOOM there's the pinch, the pain and the angry angry arthritis showing its ugly side. But ANYWAYS..... Found a dog that was so beyond adorable! Loved her. She was in the middle of the street and me being the dog lover I am there is no way that I was just going to leave her there. She was VERY small for the breed of dog she was and she was very underweight. She also was afraid of everything, including coming into the house so we are pretty sure she was beat :( so sad! We gave her a bath and some food and it was like a whole new dog!
Ok now that we are caught up let's get to today...
Woke up way too early with a very sore and stiff hip. I swear everyone complains about their arthritis or their aches and pains when it's cold or about to rain... I complain about mine when it's starting to warm up. Warm weather is the worst for me and I'm not quite sure why. I tire out sooo fast and have no energy. I'm lucky if I make it out of the house when it's hot. I try too but sometimes it's just too much with how bloated my hip feels (yes I said my hip feels bloated thank you very much). Anyways, we found a home for the dog, and she is so incredibly happy! She is with a friend of mine and she gets to run around with other dogs in a nice grassy backyard! I have too many dogs right now to bring another one into the pack. I have 4 and I can barely keep up with them, but it sure is fun to try. Other than that it was a pretty boring day which I didn't mind AT ALL. I like it when days are boring, it gives me a reprieve to the craziness that can be my life.
Ugh...
right now my hip is so sore and I can't seem to find a comfortable spot anywhere on this bed. I hate moments like this, because these are the times when I feel like I just want to give up. Like this shit is beating me and I don't wanna be beat by this, I don't want it to conquer me ever. There are moments though I must admit where I just want to wave the white flag, surrender, and lay on the couch and not hurt anymore....
Saturday: Mostly did yardwork around the front. Finally got the driveway cleaned up, mowed the pasture again (the damn foxtails are insane this year!!), next to the dogs fence and part of the back property and side property. I was going to do more but then noticed that I was basically out of gas, so it was either take it back to the garage or run out of gas and have to push that damn thing across 3 acres... and I don't know how far that really is, but definitely not something that I would do. Who pushes a riding mower??!? HaHaHa! I loved riding that thing, but it was a bad idea on this day. I ended up on it for five hours! Are you fucking kidding me? Five hours?!Five hours of vibrations and balancing on that little seat did not do much for my hip. Basically my arms, feet and left leg were numb... my right leg... well to put it nicely it hated me. Hated me all day so much! I couldn't walk for more than five minutes before my hip would say "nope, no more". So aggravating and frustrating!!
Sunday: The hubby and I went to my psuedo moms birthday party at the apartment complex. We had so much fun! Lots of good food, good company and soaking in the jacuzzi. The hip and the jacuzzi, they had a moment together and it was a beautiful moment. Little pinchy man went on vacation or something because my hip felt absolutely GLORIOUS. I wish that it could feel that way everyday. How amazing would that be?! Not to have that dull pain that you try so hard to ignore, but there's just no way because on misstep, one turn the wrong way and BOOM there's the pinch, the pain and the angry angry arthritis showing its ugly side. But ANYWAYS..... Found a dog that was so beyond adorable! Loved her. She was in the middle of the street and me being the dog lover I am there is no way that I was just going to leave her there. She was VERY small for the breed of dog she was and she was very underweight. She also was afraid of everything, including coming into the house so we are pretty sure she was beat :( so sad! We gave her a bath and some food and it was like a whole new dog!
Ok now that we are caught up let's get to today...
Woke up way too early with a very sore and stiff hip. I swear everyone complains about their arthritis or their aches and pains when it's cold or about to rain... I complain about mine when it's starting to warm up. Warm weather is the worst for me and I'm not quite sure why. I tire out sooo fast and have no energy. I'm lucky if I make it out of the house when it's hot. I try too but sometimes it's just too much with how bloated my hip feels (yes I said my hip feels bloated thank you very much). Anyways, we found a home for the dog, and she is so incredibly happy! She is with a friend of mine and she gets to run around with other dogs in a nice grassy backyard! I have too many dogs right now to bring another one into the pack. I have 4 and I can barely keep up with them, but it sure is fun to try. Other than that it was a pretty boring day which I didn't mind AT ALL. I like it when days are boring, it gives me a reprieve to the craziness that can be my life.
Ugh...
right now my hip is so sore and I can't seem to find a comfortable spot anywhere on this bed. I hate moments like this, because these are the times when I feel like I just want to give up. Like this shit is beating me and I don't wanna be beat by this, I don't want it to conquer me ever. There are moments though I must admit where I just want to wave the white flag, surrender, and lay on the couch and not hurt anymore....
Friday, May 21, 2010
A Weird Pain
Rob and I went to Viejas tonight for their buffet, because really how can you not go to a buffet that's $15.98 for people to eat?! Even without our player cards (that we solely get for the purpose of discounts on food) it's only $20...like what?! hahaha can't beat all you can eat for so cheap! But the price of the food isn't the point (damn I just re-read this and I feel fat!). The point is when I was leaving the casino I got the SHARPEST pain in the front side of my hip. It felt like someone was taking a two tined fork and stabbing me in the leg over and over again. This is definitely something that I have never felt before, and it only happened with my leg was extended behind me while walking. Hopefully this isn't a new symptom of a new problem. Definitely was painful, only seemed to go away when I pushed my fingers into where the pain was but even then that dull pain (I call it the aftershock pain) lingered behind. Even while I was driving home it was killing me... the soaking in the tub helped a little, I can only hope that it's gone by tomorrow because I have so much yard work to do (aka me riding the lawn tractor) and I can't be in pain the whole time I'm doing it because that is just unfair to Rob. That is definitely something I will always do, is no matter how much pain I am in, I'll never make him do some back breaking yard work by himself because that sucks. You would think that the riding lawnmower makes things easy but those vibrations make it feel like it is vibrating my hip right out of its socket. Not the type of vibrating I am looking for!! Luckily we aren't overloading ourselves with work so nothing should be too bad!
Not much to write or bitch about today, which I guess is an upside to all of this right now. I am beyond exhausted, but I don't know how well I am going to sleep with this pain! I wish I knew what caused it. Maybe it got angry at all the food I ate at the food I ate at the buffet! ha! Maybe that's the little pinchy mans way of yelling at me! Hahaha I'm funny... ok goodnight
Not much to write or bitch about today, which I guess is an upside to all of this right now. I am beyond exhausted, but I don't know how well I am going to sleep with this pain! I wish I knew what caused it. Maybe it got angry at all the food I ate at the food I ate at the buffet! ha! Maybe that's the little pinchy mans way of yelling at me! Hahaha I'm funny... ok goodnight
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Some Bad News... Trying Not To Let It Conquer Me
I had to take Rob to work this morning at 5am... really?! 5am... I guess it was my fault because I forgot to make his coffee and more importantly I forgot to tell him that I forgot to pre-program the coffee maker...OOPS!! Needless to say the usual morning ritual of waking up my grumpy hip did not happen today, well okay it sort of did because I fell back asleep after I got home and didn't wake up until 10am :) Sometimes it's good to be a housewife.
So the bad news, I got my blood results online and found out my cholesterol (namely the bad kind) is high, which sucks and is horrible. I have tried to stay on point with my diet but it's so damn hard and toss that in with a little no motivation to work out and things just bring me down. I need to find motivation to actually do this now, now it's about my health and about my life and keeping me alive. I'm going to try to start hiking more, I just always am apprehensive about hiking alone... what if something happens? what if I get hurt? I'll just have to try to find some friends who don't work mornings who can go with me. I absolutely love going hiking. It is such an amazing workout and so refreshing to be outdoors surrounded by nature. My hip isn't always the happiest with it, but it does wonders for it when I do it on a regular basis. It gets less tired and sore the more I do it because of the workout, but there's no way I can just quit like I can on the elliptical. There is no climbing off and just saying 'fuck it I'm done', no matter where you stop you always have to go back. You always have to make it back to your car to go home and say fuck it. When my hip gets tired I just sit down for a few minutes and gives myself time to let my hip catch its breath, and then I am able to move on. Those breaks become fewer and far between when I do it on a regular basis. At some point I want to try to do Mount Woodson again, which is a huge hike. Takes 5-6 hours to complete (well for me at least) and is a 1200 foot elevation hike! It's such an amazing view from the top though, one of the most amazing in my opinion. You can see all the way to the ocean and when you live in inland San Diego, it's not something you get to see often.
When Chelsea comes home (which is three days!!!) I can go down to the beach and walk on the sand with her which I am sure will be an amazing workout for my hip. I think if I can get the fifty pounds off and start working out regularly I can get my cholesterol down and make my hip feel a trillion percent better. It's really about getting my diet on point really...
So the bad news, I got my blood results online and found out my cholesterol (namely the bad kind) is high, which sucks and is horrible. I have tried to stay on point with my diet but it's so damn hard and toss that in with a little no motivation to work out and things just bring me down. I need to find motivation to actually do this now, now it's about my health and about my life and keeping me alive. I'm going to try to start hiking more, I just always am apprehensive about hiking alone... what if something happens? what if I get hurt? I'll just have to try to find some friends who don't work mornings who can go with me. I absolutely love going hiking. It is such an amazing workout and so refreshing to be outdoors surrounded by nature. My hip isn't always the happiest with it, but it does wonders for it when I do it on a regular basis. It gets less tired and sore the more I do it because of the workout, but there's no way I can just quit like I can on the elliptical. There is no climbing off and just saying 'fuck it I'm done', no matter where you stop you always have to go back. You always have to make it back to your car to go home and say fuck it. When my hip gets tired I just sit down for a few minutes and gives myself time to let my hip catch its breath, and then I am able to move on. Those breaks become fewer and far between when I do it on a regular basis. At some point I want to try to do Mount Woodson again, which is a huge hike. Takes 5-6 hours to complete (well for me at least) and is a 1200 foot elevation hike! It's such an amazing view from the top though, one of the most amazing in my opinion. You can see all the way to the ocean and when you live in inland San Diego, it's not something you get to see often.
When Chelsea comes home (which is three days!!!) I can go down to the beach and walk on the sand with her which I am sure will be an amazing workout for my hip. I think if I can get the fifty pounds off and start working out regularly I can get my cholesterol down and make my hip feel a trillion percent better. It's really about getting my diet on point really...
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Such a BEAUTIFUL day...
I woke up to the sun shining and the million birds outside my open door chirping their little heads off.
My pups were in a good mood and my horse was ready to be set free and kick her hooves up around the pasture. I stood in my doorway and took a deep breath in and just enjoyed the peace and serenity take over my body. Soon enough the serenity would end and my anxiety would take over, and then a busy busy day would be at hand.
I grudgingly crawled into my car knowing that today I had to go to the lab to get my blood drawn for my physical. I may be covered in tattoos, but oh how I dread needles being stuck into my arm to draw out fluids that were never meant to leave my body!!! I am still having mini anxiety attacks over it because I am only imagining the worse things that could ever happen or be seen through my blood... ugh... I have these anxiety attacks often, I always think the worst of things. It's just how things in my life seem to go. Ever since I was diagnosed with arthritis I have only received bad news from the doctors and I understand that it's because I can't reverse what's happened to me, that it only gets worse, but still... can't I get some good news from the doctors for once?! Most likely not... it's so hard for me to stay optimistic when it comes to doctors and the news that they give to me. I'm sure that plenty of us who have been diagnosed with arthritis feel the same.
I think that is my biggest complaint of being diagnosed. The doctors always want to give you bad news, but they never want to take more than 5 minutes in the room with you. There's no "do you need anything else", "do you need for me to help you get in contact with those that can help?", it's always "well there's not much we can do, it's advancing but unfortunately none of this can be reveresed", "it's something that you are just going to have to deal with, the only thing we can do is pain management". How 'bout you take 20 minutes out of your oh so busy day and comfort me a little, give me options, let me know and let me feel that as your patient you actually give a fuck about me. Stop pretending that I just stepped in your office and am impeding upon your day, because really for me to come the 40 minutes down the hill for me to get here, the 45 more minutes I get to wait for your nurse to get off her ass to call me 35 minutes after my appointment was made, and then the 20 more minutes it takes for you to get out of your office to come see me I think I deserve more than 5 minutes of your time. I think you should sit your ass on your little stool in front of your little computer and LISTEN to me, stop tinking around, stop putting in orders and filling prescriptions. LISTEN to how much pain I am in, LISTEN to how I can barely make it through a day without being beyond exhausted because of the energy it takes me to get through a day of standing up and sitting down continuously throughout the day. LISTEN to how frustrated I am and how much help I need instead of your half ass attention and your half ass listening skills. It seems as though the ones who become are doctors are the ones who never want to hear their patients, they never wanna hear that the things they are doing aren't helping us. So frustrating and so upsetting! Too bad they aren't going to ever read this, to understand how they make their patients feel. I understand we don't have blood gushing out of a wound, or cancer isn't ravaging our bodies but we are in pain, we hurt everyday, we feel alone, lost and confused... we need your help and expertise and if that isn't something you can give us then maybe just maybe you're in the wrong profession.
My pups were in a good mood and my horse was ready to be set free and kick her hooves up around the pasture. I stood in my doorway and took a deep breath in and just enjoyed the peace and serenity take over my body. Soon enough the serenity would end and my anxiety would take over, and then a busy busy day would be at hand.
I grudgingly crawled into my car knowing that today I had to go to the lab to get my blood drawn for my physical. I may be covered in tattoos, but oh how I dread needles being stuck into my arm to draw out fluids that were never meant to leave my body!!! I am still having mini anxiety attacks over it because I am only imagining the worse things that could ever happen or be seen through my blood... ugh... I have these anxiety attacks often, I always think the worst of things. It's just how things in my life seem to go. Ever since I was diagnosed with arthritis I have only received bad news from the doctors and I understand that it's because I can't reverse what's happened to me, that it only gets worse, but still... can't I get some good news from the doctors for once?! Most likely not... it's so hard for me to stay optimistic when it comes to doctors and the news that they give to me. I'm sure that plenty of us who have been diagnosed with arthritis feel the same.
I think that is my biggest complaint of being diagnosed. The doctors always want to give you bad news, but they never want to take more than 5 minutes in the room with you. There's no "do you need anything else", "do you need for me to help you get in contact with those that can help?", it's always "well there's not much we can do, it's advancing but unfortunately none of this can be reveresed", "it's something that you are just going to have to deal with, the only thing we can do is pain management". How 'bout you take 20 minutes out of your oh so busy day and comfort me a little, give me options, let me know and let me feel that as your patient you actually give a fuck about me. Stop pretending that I just stepped in your office and am impeding upon your day, because really for me to come the 40 minutes down the hill for me to get here, the 45 more minutes I get to wait for your nurse to get off her ass to call me 35 minutes after my appointment was made, and then the 20 more minutes it takes for you to get out of your office to come see me I think I deserve more than 5 minutes of your time. I think you should sit your ass on your little stool in front of your little computer and LISTEN to me, stop tinking around, stop putting in orders and filling prescriptions. LISTEN to how much pain I am in, LISTEN to how I can barely make it through a day without being beyond exhausted because of the energy it takes me to get through a day of standing up and sitting down continuously throughout the day. LISTEN to how frustrated I am and how much help I need instead of your half ass attention and your half ass listening skills. It seems as though the ones who become are doctors are the ones who never want to hear their patients, they never wanna hear that the things they are doing aren't helping us. So frustrating and so upsetting! Too bad they aren't going to ever read this, to understand how they make their patients feel. I understand we don't have blood gushing out of a wound, or cancer isn't ravaging our bodies but we are in pain, we hurt everyday, we feel alone, lost and confused... we need your help and expertise and if that isn't something you can give us then maybe just maybe you're in the wrong profession.
Monday, May 17, 2010
A Wonderful Day...
I was woken up at 4 am (as usual) by my husband kissing me as he left for work. As usual I swatted him away and tried to fall back asleep as rapidly as possible, but I can't deny that it always makes me smile inside that for almost 5 years he has never once forgotten to kiss me before he leaves. It's rare that I think about it because it has become such second nature for it to happen, but on this morning I smiled, and I almost didn't fall back asleep because of how content I felt inside, my heart was happy. Eventually though, my heavy eyelids took over and I fell back into sleepy land.
When I woke up for the final time I sat up and realized that my hip had no pain in it, well let me rephrase that. Very little pain, which to someone who has dealt with this pain for so long it is no pain! I did my usual morning chores of letting the dogs out, feeding the horse, filling her water and then feeding myself. It wasn't the greatest of looking mornings. It was incredibly overcast and there was drizzle falling from the sky, but I knew I wanted to get out and do something. There is no way I was going to waste this morning, this rare opportunity that I am able to take advantage of to actually get my ass off the couch and get it moving. I decided that I would go to the Wild Animal Park (love that place!) and do the Kilimanjaro Walk around the park, but then add some to get a little bit more mileage out of this. If anyone has a chance to do this walk if they are in or around San Diego I definitely recommend it. It takes you past all the things you want to see and there are some amazing things that you are able to stumble upon, especially if you go on a weekday morning.
I got dressed and drove to the Wild Animal Park and got my camelbak ready and also my CardioTrainer on my Droid, which is my favorite app ever!, and started on my little mini adventure. I encountered so many things that I never would have if I had been with anyone, and realized how much I like to walk alone around things like this! I saw little birds walking around their nests, the lions were out and walking around, there was a cheetah playing with a dog (I know right?!?!), I heard the tigers talking, and got to walk through the conifer forest which I had never done before. The best part was I got to go on this bridge that they have there. If you jump up and down a little the bridge moves up and down and squeaks so loud and if there is anything I remember from my childhood it is that bridge. My dad would always walk across it behind my brother and me and make it bounce all over the place and it was the best and always the most fun. So of course as I walked across it I had to make it bounce and squeak and I smiled the whole time thinking of my dad and missing him so much.
Finally after 3.71 miles and 100 stairs, hills, and encounters with weird people I made it around the park via my path twice and felt completely accomplished. My legs hurt and were definitely tight, my hip was letting me know that it didn't like me anymore, but that's was okay, and I didn't dwell on it. I had done it. I did it without stopping, without complaining, without being self defeating and that is definitely I haven't done in so long. I was really proud of myself! I figure now that I have this motivation and I have a mission to lose as much weight and look as great as possible when the river trip comes up in September that something like this is definitely a good stepping stone to showing me how athletic I can really be. Maybe one day I'll get back into my old soccer shape, even though I can't play it I wouldn't mind looking like I did! Now all those who sit on their asses have no excuse not to get up and off of them and go workout....whether it be a walk or just getting on the elliptical DO IT!!
When I woke up for the final time I sat up and realized that my hip had no pain in it, well let me rephrase that. Very little pain, which to someone who has dealt with this pain for so long it is no pain! I did my usual morning chores of letting the dogs out, feeding the horse, filling her water and then feeding myself. It wasn't the greatest of looking mornings. It was incredibly overcast and there was drizzle falling from the sky, but I knew I wanted to get out and do something. There is no way I was going to waste this morning, this rare opportunity that I am able to take advantage of to actually get my ass off the couch and get it moving. I decided that I would go to the Wild Animal Park (love that place!) and do the Kilimanjaro Walk around the park, but then add some to get a little bit more mileage out of this. If anyone has a chance to do this walk if they are in or around San Diego I definitely recommend it. It takes you past all the things you want to see and there are some amazing things that you are able to stumble upon, especially if you go on a weekday morning.
I got dressed and drove to the Wild Animal Park and got my camelbak ready and also my CardioTrainer on my Droid, which is my favorite app ever!, and started on my little mini adventure. I encountered so many things that I never would have if I had been with anyone, and realized how much I like to walk alone around things like this! I saw little birds walking around their nests, the lions were out and walking around, there was a cheetah playing with a dog (I know right?!?!), I heard the tigers talking, and got to walk through the conifer forest which I had never done before. The best part was I got to go on this bridge that they have there. If you jump up and down a little the bridge moves up and down and squeaks so loud and if there is anything I remember from my childhood it is that bridge. My dad would always walk across it behind my brother and me and make it bounce all over the place and it was the best and always the most fun. So of course as I walked across it I had to make it bounce and squeak and I smiled the whole time thinking of my dad and missing him so much.
Finally after 3.71 miles and 100 stairs, hills, and encounters with weird people I made it around the park via my path twice and felt completely accomplished. My legs hurt and were definitely tight, my hip was letting me know that it didn't like me anymore, but that's was okay, and I didn't dwell on it. I had done it. I did it without stopping, without complaining, without being self defeating and that is definitely I haven't done in so long. I was really proud of myself! I figure now that I have this motivation and I have a mission to lose as much weight and look as great as possible when the river trip comes up in September that something like this is definitely a good stepping stone to showing me how athletic I can really be. Maybe one day I'll get back into my old soccer shape, even though I can't play it I wouldn't mind looking like I did! Now all those who sit on their asses have no excuse not to get up and off of them and go workout....whether it be a walk or just getting on the elliptical DO IT!!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Another Day...Another Pinchy
Wow I have two days to cover. I went out to dinner last night with Rob and came home and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed!!! I did 3.45 miles on the elliptical yesterday, which I was beyond proud of. I taped paper over the mileage and time and just went until my body told me "no more!" I was really proud of myself, I think this is the way that I'm going to do the elliptical from now on. I think I obsess over the time and mileage so much that it makes me feel defeated before I have even started. I hope to be able to go a little further each time, which would be amazing. I wouldn't mind being able to make it to the five mile mark...how awesome would that be?! A girl who has an arthritic hip going five miles on the elliptical!!! A-MAZ-ING! Rob and I went to Casa de Bandini in Carlsbad last night. It was alright, the service was shitty and the place in general was incredibly too loud, I could barely hear myself think. The food was amazing, just like the food at Casa de Pico, but I guess that would make sense since it's the same owner!
I woke up this morning pretty stiff, but otherwise alright. I shaved Feathers (my horse) legs and her mane, which took way longer than expected because of how crappy the clippers were acting... but I did it and she looks AMAZING. I had to sit down most of the time because of how stiff my hip was from yesterday, luckily I trust her enough to sit at the base of a clydesdales feet and not worry about her stepping on me. I love the bond that her and I have forged over the past three years. She came to me at just the right time, just when I thought that I should give up... I was defeated by this stupid arthritis in my hip. My life was now going to have to become accustom to doctors appointments and getting fat. I never thought that an animal coming into my life could change so much. When Lexus and I found her she was in a crappy pasture with two horses who literally beat the shit out of her. They wouldn't let her near the water or food, she was 800 lbs under weight and the owner just chased her around until she was beyond exhausted to catch her. It was so sad and I knew I had to have her. She was going to be mine and she did become mine. Even though the first 12 years of her life were absolutely horrific, this humongous animal let me work with her and love her... I was able to see that no matter how bad things are they can always get better with a little love, trust and time. I thank every bit of fate, destiny and karma that brought me and that beautiful animal together. I would not have it any other way. I can't ride her, not because of my hip but because I decided to retire her to pasture, let her enjoy just being a horse because at the end of the day shouldn't they be able to do what they want when they want?! I somewhat take the same thoughts in my own life. I don't let things hold me back anymore, I go at them balls out, full throttle. How could I not? We only get to live once right?! Why not live it to the best of our capabilities.
The hip is pinchy and achy now that I am sitting on the couch, might hit the elliptical later to see if I can loosen things up. I'm hoping and praying that I will be able to loosen it up because the pinching just sucks butt. I just hope when I finally get the MRI and the arthrogram (or whatever it is) they can find a way to make this better. Even if it is a temporary fix like it was the first time, at least I had five years with very little pain and pinching, well at least compared to now. Ok, I'm exhausted!
I woke up this morning pretty stiff, but otherwise alright. I shaved Feathers (my horse) legs and her mane, which took way longer than expected because of how crappy the clippers were acting... but I did it and she looks AMAZING. I had to sit down most of the time because of how stiff my hip was from yesterday, luckily I trust her enough to sit at the base of a clydesdales feet and not worry about her stepping on me. I love the bond that her and I have forged over the past three years. She came to me at just the right time, just when I thought that I should give up... I was defeated by this stupid arthritis in my hip. My life was now going to have to become accustom to doctors appointments and getting fat. I never thought that an animal coming into my life could change so much. When Lexus and I found her she was in a crappy pasture with two horses who literally beat the shit out of her. They wouldn't let her near the water or food, she was 800 lbs under weight and the owner just chased her around until she was beyond exhausted to catch her. It was so sad and I knew I had to have her. She was going to be mine and she did become mine. Even though the first 12 years of her life were absolutely horrific, this humongous animal let me work with her and love her... I was able to see that no matter how bad things are they can always get better with a little love, trust and time. I thank every bit of fate, destiny and karma that brought me and that beautiful animal together. I would not have it any other way. I can't ride her, not because of my hip but because I decided to retire her to pasture, let her enjoy just being a horse because at the end of the day shouldn't they be able to do what they want when they want?! I somewhat take the same thoughts in my own life. I don't let things hold me back anymore, I go at them balls out, full throttle. How could I not? We only get to live once right?! Why not live it to the best of our capabilities.
The hip is pinchy and achy now that I am sitting on the couch, might hit the elliptical later to see if I can loosen things up. I'm hoping and praying that I will be able to loosen it up because the pinching just sucks butt. I just hope when I finally get the MRI and the arthrogram (or whatever it is) they can find a way to make this better. Even if it is a temporary fix like it was the first time, at least I had five years with very little pain and pinching, well at least compared to now. Ok, I'm exhausted!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
this one will be short
So tired today... haven't been sleeping well as of late and I have no idea why but it is definitely annoying. I had a good lunch today with Glenn at Poway Sushi Lounge (my fave!!) and then went food shopping and came home to relax. The hip held up somewhat well, the little man came back to pinch me a few times. I guess I don't know how to walk early in the morning and I kept stepping wrong on it. It wasn't the most pleasant feeling but at least I was able to get out of bed and walk without too many problems. I'm so exhausted that I can barely keep my eyes open so that is my cue to drag my ass off the couch and find my way into the bathtub for a nice long soak so I will hopefully have the same luck of being able to just pop out of bed tomorrow morning. I am going to try to get on the elliptical tomorrow morning to give me some energy to get me through the day!
Wish me luck on sleeping!
Wish me luck on sleeping!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
A Bright Spot for the Day
Go to www.fightarthritispain.org or www.arthritis.org for more information about arthritis
Talking to Andrea from AF (Arthritis Foundation) I was able to email a person named Kevin who works out in Arizona with a foundation called Arthritis Introspective. I am hoping that I will be able to become a group facilitator for support groups out here, the same thing they are doing in AZ and some other states. I think it would be something amazing for me to do because I always want to be able to help others who are going through the things that I have been going through, and will be going through. I know what it's like not to have any support, anyone to talk too and I think starting support groups out here would be such a fantastic opportunity. So yay for Andrea!!
The hip was super tight today. It wasn't as hard to get out of bed this morning as yesterday which was somewhat refreshing. It definitely was tight though, felt like all my muscles just clenched up and didn't want to let go. I guess I would rather have that then little pinchy man going to work on my hip! Tomorrow I'm going to hit the elliptical again, but this time try to do the whole 3.1 miles that the AF walk is going to be. It's hard to do this alone, to try to walk and work out without anyone to talk to or do it with. By the time Rob gets home he's too exhausted to do anything, which I completely understand since his job is so labor intensive. Then with me living out in the middle of nowhere no one wants to take the trek up here to walk with me. Gyms are way too expensive, and so is a pool. Hopefully I can land a job soon so I can make one of those happen. I think even if I did have a gym membership it would be a waste of my money because I would still have no one to go with!! Hopefully I can find some free/cheap things to do around town that will let me get acquainted with people and find some new support. I need people to hold me accountable.
I think it may be one of the most frustrating things to deal with when you have OA (osteoarthritis) or any arthritis at all. You gain weight because you are inactive because it hurts. It hurts to walk, to move. Your joints scream at you and your body gets tired so quickly. I used to walk 20 minutes and have to sit down because my hip would tell me "NO MORE WALKING" and if I tried to push through and keep going it would eventually stop working correctly and possibly would have completely given out. Slowly I packed on pounds, 80 to be exact. I was at the heaviest I had ever been and was completely depressed and unmotivated to do anything. I slowly began to lose weight, not easily I might add. Without the possibility of running, jumping, or anything else that may possibly hurt my hip it was difficult to find exercise that I was capable of doing. I used my elliptical and definitely changed my diet to a lot of healthier choices. I lost 40 lbs, but still am on a journey to lose more. Changing the intensity has proven to be so difficult. I used to be so physically fit, and so active. It kills me to find myself sitting on the couch more than I ever have in my life, the least active I have ever been in my life. I just want to be healthy and happy and it seems like the journey to get to either of these places is taking fucking fooooooooorevvvvvvvverrrrrrrr.... one day I'll get there though. One day I'll wake up with minimal to no pain... I'll be able to work out without having to worry about what I'm going to feel like 30 minutes after I'm done... one day...I can always hope and wish upon a thousand stars right?
Talking to Andrea from AF (Arthritis Foundation) I was able to email a person named Kevin who works out in Arizona with a foundation called Arthritis Introspective. I am hoping that I will be able to become a group facilitator for support groups out here, the same thing they are doing in AZ and some other states. I think it would be something amazing for me to do because I always want to be able to help others who are going through the things that I have been going through, and will be going through. I know what it's like not to have any support, anyone to talk too and I think starting support groups out here would be such a fantastic opportunity. So yay for Andrea!!
The hip was super tight today. It wasn't as hard to get out of bed this morning as yesterday which was somewhat refreshing. It definitely was tight though, felt like all my muscles just clenched up and didn't want to let go. I guess I would rather have that then little pinchy man going to work on my hip! Tomorrow I'm going to hit the elliptical again, but this time try to do the whole 3.1 miles that the AF walk is going to be. It's hard to do this alone, to try to walk and work out without anyone to talk to or do it with. By the time Rob gets home he's too exhausted to do anything, which I completely understand since his job is so labor intensive. Then with me living out in the middle of nowhere no one wants to take the trek up here to walk with me. Gyms are way too expensive, and so is a pool. Hopefully I can land a job soon so I can make one of those happen. I think even if I did have a gym membership it would be a waste of my money because I would still have no one to go with!! Hopefully I can find some free/cheap things to do around town that will let me get acquainted with people and find some new support. I need people to hold me accountable.
I think it may be one of the most frustrating things to deal with when you have OA (osteoarthritis) or any arthritis at all. You gain weight because you are inactive because it hurts. It hurts to walk, to move. Your joints scream at you and your body gets tired so quickly. I used to walk 20 minutes and have to sit down because my hip would tell me "NO MORE WALKING" and if I tried to push through and keep going it would eventually stop working correctly and possibly would have completely given out. Slowly I packed on pounds, 80 to be exact. I was at the heaviest I had ever been and was completely depressed and unmotivated to do anything. I slowly began to lose weight, not easily I might add. Without the possibility of running, jumping, or anything else that may possibly hurt my hip it was difficult to find exercise that I was capable of doing. I used my elliptical and definitely changed my diet to a lot of healthier choices. I lost 40 lbs, but still am on a journey to lose more. Changing the intensity has proven to be so difficult. I used to be so physically fit, and so active. It kills me to find myself sitting on the couch more than I ever have in my life, the least active I have ever been in my life. I just want to be healthy and happy and it seems like the journey to get to either of these places is taking fucking fooooooooorevvvvvvvverrrrrrrr.... one day I'll get there though. One day I'll wake up with minimal to no pain... I'll be able to work out without having to worry about what I'm going to feel like 30 minutes after I'm done... one day...I can always hope and wish upon a thousand stars right?
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Trying to be...
optimistic....
I wake up every morning trying to think how fantastic the day is going to be and I can't wait to see the joys and surprises that it's going to bring me. I slowly sit up, trying to gauge what the pain level is going to be today, what level of tension and tightness I'm going to encounter. Slowly I spin on my bed which is high enough where my feet don't even begin to touch the floor. I scoot forward and let my left foot hit the carpet, always the left foot first. I close my eyes, and push myself off the bed...and this morning... I went right back down, hit rewind and found myself laying in bed with excruciating, angry pain pulsated through my hip into my knee and that was it. There was no way that this day was going to go well, no way that I was going to be able to find joy and surprises with the pain that was searing through me.
I took a deep breath and moved as fast as my hip would let me and let the dogs out and fed the horse. I limped my way back into my room and back into my bed and a tear or two may have found it's way down my cheek. I stuck my pillows under my butt, shoved blankets under my calf and ankle and laid there staring at the ceiling. Thoughts started running through my mind, about how unfair this all was, that I shouldn't be bed ridden right now. I should be out working out, being able to run freely around my neighborhood with my lungs wide open sucking in the cold morning air. I SHOULD NOT be sucking in the stale air that has consumed my room over the long night and laying flat on my back. I cursed Amy, I cursed her for her shitty driving and her irresponsible ways. Then I cursed myself for ever letting her talk me into taking her little piece of shit Honda instead of my lifted indestructible truck (ok maybe not indestructible, but it wouldn't have ran a stop sign because I would have been driving). Breathe Missy... breathe in the stale air...
Eventually I knew I had to eat breakfast, so once again I dragged my ass outta bed and found my way to the kitchen, made myself breakfast and took myself back into my bed to eat. The depression was taking over and there was no way I could let it. It's something I have fought for so long that it wasn't going to be today that it would win. I laid around, talked on Facebook, shopped online, did everything to keep my mind off the pain that was slowly progressing. Ah arthritis how I love you and your pinchy ways. I finally willed myself out of bed, and to stay out when I realized I was wasting my whole day. I walked slowly around, with a little pinch pinch with every step (stop it little man!!!) and found my way to the elliptical. I stood on it, staring at the blank display. I have a walk to get ready for. I have 3.2 miles that I need to conquer on June 5 to raise money for the same disease that has me walking like an old lady around the house, might as well get me a wheelchair! I slowly pushed one foot forward then another, and next thing I know I'm singing Taylor Swift at the top of my lungs and chugging along. It may have not been for very long but I finished 1.6 miles and 25 minutes. Half the walk, half... even on my worst day I am able to walk 1.6 miles. So I guess there was something to be optimistic about... I'm my own inspiration... that's nice to know...
I wake up every morning trying to think how fantastic the day is going to be and I can't wait to see the joys and surprises that it's going to bring me. I slowly sit up, trying to gauge what the pain level is going to be today, what level of tension and tightness I'm going to encounter. Slowly I spin on my bed which is high enough where my feet don't even begin to touch the floor. I scoot forward and let my left foot hit the carpet, always the left foot first. I close my eyes, and push myself off the bed...and this morning... I went right back down, hit rewind and found myself laying in bed with excruciating, angry pain pulsated through my hip into my knee and that was it. There was no way that this day was going to go well, no way that I was going to be able to find joy and surprises with the pain that was searing through me.
I took a deep breath and moved as fast as my hip would let me and let the dogs out and fed the horse. I limped my way back into my room and back into my bed and a tear or two may have found it's way down my cheek. I stuck my pillows under my butt, shoved blankets under my calf and ankle and laid there staring at the ceiling. Thoughts started running through my mind, about how unfair this all was, that I shouldn't be bed ridden right now. I should be out working out, being able to run freely around my neighborhood with my lungs wide open sucking in the cold morning air. I SHOULD NOT be sucking in the stale air that has consumed my room over the long night and laying flat on my back. I cursed Amy, I cursed her for her shitty driving and her irresponsible ways. Then I cursed myself for ever letting her talk me into taking her little piece of shit Honda instead of my lifted indestructible truck (ok maybe not indestructible, but it wouldn't have ran a stop sign because I would have been driving). Breathe Missy... breathe in the stale air...
Eventually I knew I had to eat breakfast, so once again I dragged my ass outta bed and found my way to the kitchen, made myself breakfast and took myself back into my bed to eat. The depression was taking over and there was no way I could let it. It's something I have fought for so long that it wasn't going to be today that it would win. I laid around, talked on Facebook, shopped online, did everything to keep my mind off the pain that was slowly progressing. Ah arthritis how I love you and your pinchy ways. I finally willed myself out of bed, and to stay out when I realized I was wasting my whole day. I walked slowly around, with a little pinch pinch with every step (stop it little man!!!) and found my way to the elliptical. I stood on it, staring at the blank display. I have a walk to get ready for. I have 3.2 miles that I need to conquer on June 5 to raise money for the same disease that has me walking like an old lady around the house, might as well get me a wheelchair! I slowly pushed one foot forward then another, and next thing I know I'm singing Taylor Swift at the top of my lungs and chugging along. It may have not been for very long but I finished 1.6 miles and 25 minutes. Half the walk, half... even on my worst day I am able to walk 1.6 miles. So I guess there was something to be optimistic about... I'm my own inspiration... that's nice to know...
Monday, May 10, 2010
It's My Birthday!!
So today is my birthday and I have to admit it was a pretty fantastic day! I got to have lunch with my most amazing best friend ever and then had dinner at Ruths Chris with the hubby and couldn't have imagined a better ending to the night except for the cheesecake they serve there, which half has been devoured and I'm of course saving the other half for tomorrow because there is nothing better then a nice piece of cheesecake the day after your birthday!
I wore a cute new tank top and sexxy pair of jeans tonight and haven't felt that sexxy in a loooong time I, of course, wish I was more thin but that's up to me to do and I'm sure the cheesecake didn't help (give me break it's my birthday!) I wore these sexxy heels but that was one of the largest mistakes I made the entire night. My hip locked up and now I have the most sore and painful hip I've had in awhile! How ridiculous is it that I can't even wear heels (which I love!!!) because my hip hurts too much. This is just getting to be too much. Can't I just buy a new one or they should have a trade-in program on defective body parts. This is just getting so ridiculous that I don't even know what to do with it. I don't know what changes I need to make, but they need to be made. The pain is just becoming too much. I can't keep losing sleep or my life over this, it's not fair. I know, I know, life isn't supposed to be fair, blah blah blah. I don't want to hear it, I've heard it all. I've heard at least I survived, at least I am healthy otherwise, other people have it worse than me... I get it... but at the end of the day when I can't sleep because of the piercing pain that is shooting through my hip into my knee and halfway to my ankle I don't care about all that. All I care about is not hurting anymore, not being tired from working over time with the pain, not always wanting to work out because I know the repercussions of doing so.. SO F-ING FRUSTRATING!
The birthday party wasn't the greatest, I was let down by a lot of people and most of the night I was wallowing in self pity, which of course I know I shouldn't have but how could I not? My friends left me behind... they decided that I wasn't good enough or didn't want to waste their time with me, which is fine now. It made me realize who was important and who I should be spending my time with and who I shouldn't be. I plan on not having a birthday party anymore, just a nice quiet dinner with the husband to spend my birthday because then I can't get disappointed or upset when no one else shows up.
I wore a cute new tank top and sexxy pair of jeans tonight and haven't felt that sexxy in a loooong time I, of course, wish I was more thin but that's up to me to do and I'm sure the cheesecake didn't help (give me break it's my birthday!) I wore these sexxy heels but that was one of the largest mistakes I made the entire night. My hip locked up and now I have the most sore and painful hip I've had in awhile! How ridiculous is it that I can't even wear heels (which I love!!!) because my hip hurts too much. This is just getting to be too much. Can't I just buy a new one or they should have a trade-in program on defective body parts. This is just getting so ridiculous that I don't even know what to do with it. I don't know what changes I need to make, but they need to be made. The pain is just becoming too much. I can't keep losing sleep or my life over this, it's not fair. I know, I know, life isn't supposed to be fair, blah blah blah. I don't want to hear it, I've heard it all. I've heard at least I survived, at least I am healthy otherwise, other people have it worse than me... I get it... but at the end of the day when I can't sleep because of the piercing pain that is shooting through my hip into my knee and halfway to my ankle I don't care about all that. All I care about is not hurting anymore, not being tired from working over time with the pain, not always wanting to work out because I know the repercussions of doing so.. SO F-ING FRUSTRATING!
The birthday party wasn't the greatest, I was let down by a lot of people and most of the night I was wallowing in self pity, which of course I know I shouldn't have but how could I not? My friends left me behind... they decided that I wasn't good enough or didn't want to waste their time with me, which is fine now. It made me realize who was important and who I should be spending my time with and who I shouldn't be. I plan on not having a birthday party anymore, just a nice quiet dinner with the husband to spend my birthday because then I can't get disappointed or upset when no one else shows up.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
My Birthday Party!!
Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning... hip isn't liking it too much, but to the hell with it!!! I wanna make my house look pretty... even though people seem to be flaking... it always seems like I'm less important to other people than they are to me. I wish that I was as important to them as they are to me. When there's a big event in my life I feel as though people always back out, tell me they are going to show up but then they never do. I'm not going to lie it really does hurt my feelings, makes me feel like I shouldn't even waste my time with these people. The people I have always been there for and always been the shoulder for them to lean on. It makes me hurt inside, and I don't know what to do about it.
Everything lately seems so frustrating. Like I shouldn't be put through these trials and tribulations at the age of 28. I shouldn't have to deal with arthritis in my hip. It always makes me feel like I am one step behind everyone... like no one understands so I am somewhat on this journey by myself. I want to cry, but I want to stay strong. I don't want anyone to see me weak, to know that my feelings are hurt. I'm better and stronger than that...right? At the same time I'm asking myself should I have to be? I have reached out to the Arthritis Foundation but it seems as though it's more about RA, which I'm fine with, I can only imagine how debilitating that is and how scary that disease must be. I just wish there was someone I could talk to about what I am dealing with, what I go through on a day to day basis. I just wish someone could understand.
Everything lately seems so frustrating. Like I shouldn't be put through these trials and tribulations at the age of 28. I shouldn't have to deal with arthritis in my hip. It always makes me feel like I am one step behind everyone... like no one understands so I am somewhat on this journey by myself. I want to cry, but I want to stay strong. I don't want anyone to see me weak, to know that my feelings are hurt. I'm better and stronger than that...right? At the same time I'm asking myself should I have to be? I have reached out to the Arthritis Foundation but it seems as though it's more about RA, which I'm fine with, I can only imagine how debilitating that is and how scary that disease must be. I just wish there was someone I could talk to about what I am dealing with, what I go through on a day to day basis. I just wish someone could understand.
Friday, May 7, 2010
So the day....
ended up not being so bad. I went over to Melissa's house and played around with the kids and Pink. Then got to have the most amazing massage I've had in a very long time. It was so beyond relaxing and made my hip feel so much better than anything that I have tried in a very long time. I wish I could have stayed in that little room for hours while she massaged my poor little hip! I'm definitely going to try to go back once a month or once every other month and see if the circulation promotion, etc. helps with the pinching and the pain that seems to be a constant now.
Then I came home and my amazing husband gave me my birthday presents a few days early to make me smile and I seriously ran around the house so excited because he got me the phone cover I wanted AND A ROOMBA!! It is something I have wanted for 2 years because I have been so sick of sweeping and vaccumming my house and now I DON'T HAVE TOO! I have a little machine that does it for me!! WOOHOO!! I am so excited... I'm trying to talk Rob into putting the dogs out right now so I can send it on a trial run around the living room!!!
Then I came home and my amazing husband gave me my birthday presents a few days early to make me smile and I seriously ran around the house so excited because he got me the phone cover I wanted AND A ROOMBA!! It is something I have wanted for 2 years because I have been so sick of sweeping and vaccumming my house and now I DON'T HAVE TOO! I have a little machine that does it for me!! WOOHOO!! I am so excited... I'm trying to talk Rob into putting the dogs out right now so I can send it on a trial run around the living room!!!
It's only 9am and I already dislike today!
I wake up to a pinchy hip which is the worse part of all this hip business is when it pinches. I could definitely live without that pinching! Feels like there is a little man living inside my hip and hes just pinching away and laughing at me for making my day a little more difficult. Argh! Damn you hip and your ability to turn me into an argh-ing pirate! Almost every morning I wake up and remind myself how this isn't going to conquer me, that I'm still going to work out, hang out with friends, go to clubs and dance... that's what I do... that's what I have to do to be able to keep the sanity that the insanity of all this can cause me.
And my foot this morning, actually for the past two days...OH MY FOOT! What am I going to do with you? I hate that it feels like it is separating from my ankle, I mean that can't be a good thing right? Right?!?!
Then I find I definitely need a job asap because there is a dip in our income right now. All of this is just freaking frustrating! Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck, like I'm in a rut and I have no idea how to get out of it. I have applied to at least 100 jobs and have one interview, and the rest of the time I get rejected. Isn't this why I spent so much time in school is to be able to get a job and not have to be sitting at home blogging about my crappy disease that affects my life in every way and about how apparently none of my credentials are good enough for me to be hired by someone.
Sometimes I just don't get it...
And my foot this morning, actually for the past two days...OH MY FOOT! What am I going to do with you? I hate that it feels like it is separating from my ankle, I mean that can't be a good thing right? Right?!?!
Then I find I definitely need a job asap because there is a dip in our income right now. All of this is just freaking frustrating! Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck, like I'm in a rut and I have no idea how to get out of it. I have applied to at least 100 jobs and have one interview, and the rest of the time I get rejected. Isn't this why I spent so much time in school is to be able to get a job and not have to be sitting at home blogging about my crappy disease that affects my life in every way and about how apparently none of my credentials are good enough for me to be hired by someone.
Sometimes I just don't get it...
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Doctors, Doctors, Doctors!
Five doctors appointments in less than two weeks. Are you kidding me?! I have a physical to hopefully be able to talk to him about my weight and how I think my hip would work better if I could lose 50 more pounds (let's hope he goes for it!) and then MRI's back to back for my ankle and hip and then onto the podiatrist to find out what has happened to my foot! I have to wait until next week to add on yet another appointment to see my hip doctor and see what the arthogram is telling him. Hopefully none of this leads to any bad news or surgeries, because honestly a break from all this would be so nice. The pain in my hip is something that I think is going to need surgical attention, and that is just so frustrating. I wish there was a way to just magically make the pain go away. If I had a way to work out that didn't cause me an immense amount of stiffness and soreness the next day I would do it, but a pool just costs too much and in this economy there's no way that I would ever be able to afford one! Too bad someone wouldn't just give me one for free, like surprise me with it BOOM there's a pool in my backyard. Wishing hasn't gotten me very far as of yet, but I'll keep doing it because eventually it has to get me somewhere right? Power of suggestion anyone?? Well time to clean to get ready for the birthday party this weekend!! Wish me luck!
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