Trying to be...

optimistic....
I wake up every morning trying to think how fantastic the day is going to be and I can't wait to see the joys and surprises that it's going to bring me. I slowly sit up, trying to gauge what the pain level is going to be today, what level of tension and tightness I'm going to encounter. Slowly I spin on my bed which is high enough where my feet don't even begin to touch the floor. I scoot forward and let my left foot hit the carpet, always the left foot first. I close my eyes, and push myself off the bed...and this morning... I went right back down, hit rewind and found myself laying in bed with excruciating, angry pain pulsated through my hip into my knee and that was it. There was no way that this day was going to go well, no way that I was going to be able to find joy and surprises with the pain that was searing through me.
I took a deep breath and moved as fast as my hip would let me and let the dogs out and fed the horse. I limped my way back into my room and back into my bed and a tear or two may have found it's way down my cheek. I stuck my pillows under my butt, shoved blankets under my calf and ankle and laid there staring at the ceiling. Thoughts started running through my mind, about how unfair this all was, that I shouldn't be bed ridden right now. I should be out working out, being able to run freely around my neighborhood with my lungs wide open sucking in the cold morning air. I SHOULD NOT be sucking in the stale air that has consumed my room over the long night and laying flat on my back. I cursed Amy, I cursed her for her shitty driving and her irresponsible ways. Then I cursed myself for ever letting her talk me into taking her little piece of shit Honda instead of my lifted indestructible truck (ok maybe not indestructible, but it wouldn't have ran a stop sign because I would have been driving). Breathe Missy... breathe in the stale air...
Eventually I knew I had to eat breakfast, so once again I dragged my ass outta bed and found my way to the kitchen, made myself breakfast and took myself back into my bed to eat. The depression was taking over and there was no way I could let it. It's something I have fought for so long that it wasn't going to be today that it would win. I laid around, talked on Facebook, shopped online, did everything to keep my mind off the pain that was slowly progressing. Ah arthritis how I love you and your pinchy ways. I finally willed myself out of bed, and to stay out when I realized I was wasting my whole day. I walked slowly around, with a little pinch pinch with every step (stop it little man!!!) and found my way to the elliptical. I stood on it, staring at the blank display. I have a walk to get ready for. I have 3.2 miles that I need to conquer on June 5 to raise money for the same disease that has me walking like an old lady around the house, might as well get me a wheelchair! I slowly pushed one foot forward then another, and next thing I know I'm singing Taylor Swift at the top of my lungs and chugging along. It may have not been for very long but I finished 1.6 miles and 25 minutes. Half the walk, half... even on my worst day I am able to walk 1.6 miles. So I guess there was something to be optimistic about... I'm my own inspiration... that's nice to know...