Such a BEAUTIFUL day...

I woke up to the sun shining and the million birds outside my open door chirping their little heads off.
My pups were in a good mood and my horse was ready to be set free and kick her hooves up around the pasture. I stood in my doorway and took a deep breath in and just enjoyed the peace and serenity take over my body. Soon enough the serenity would end and my anxiety would take over, and then a busy busy day would be at hand.
I grudgingly crawled into my car knowing that today I had to go to the lab to get my blood drawn for my physical. I may be covered in tattoos, but oh how I dread needles being stuck into my arm to draw out fluids that were never meant to leave my body!!!  I am still having mini anxiety attacks over it because I am only imagining the worse things that could ever happen or be seen through my blood... ugh... I have these anxiety attacks often, I always think the worst of things. It's just how things in my life seem to go. Ever since I was diagnosed with arthritis I have only received bad news from the doctors and I understand that it's because I can't reverse what's happened to me, that it only gets worse, but still... can't I get some good news from the doctors for once?! Most likely not... it's so hard for me to stay optimistic when it comes to doctors and the news that they give to me. I'm sure that plenty of us who have been diagnosed with arthritis feel the same.
I think that is my biggest complaint of being diagnosed. The doctors always want to give you bad news, but they never want to take more than 5 minutes in the room with you. There's no "do you need anything else", "do you need for me to help you get in contact with those that can help?", it's always "well there's not much we can do, it's advancing but unfortunately none of this can be reveresed", "it's something that you are just going to have to deal with, the only thing we can do is pain management". How 'bout you take 20 minutes out of your oh so busy day and comfort me a little, give me options, let me know and let me feel that as your patient you actually give a fuck about me. Stop pretending that I just stepped in your office and am impeding upon your day, because really for me to come the 40 minutes down the hill for me to get here, the 45 more minutes I get to wait for your nurse to get off her ass to call me 35 minutes after my appointment was made, and then the 20 more minutes it takes for you to get out of your office to come see me I think I deserve more than 5 minutes of your time. I think you should sit your ass on your little stool in front of your little computer and LISTEN to me, stop tinking around, stop putting in orders and filling prescriptions. LISTEN to how much pain I am in, LISTEN to how I can barely make it through a day without being beyond exhausted because of the energy it takes me to get through a day of standing up and sitting down continuously throughout the day. LISTEN to how frustrated I am and how much help I need instead of your half ass attention and your half ass listening skills. It seems as though the ones who become are doctors are the ones who never want to hear their patients, they never wanna hear that the things they are doing aren't helping us. So frustrating and so upsetting! Too bad they aren't going to ever read this, to understand how they make their patients feel. I understand we don't have blood gushing out of a wound, or cancer isn't ravaging our bodies but we are in pain, we hurt everyday, we feel alone, lost and confused... we need your help and expertise and if that isn't something you can give us then maybe just maybe you're in the wrong profession.

this one will be short

So tired today... haven't been sleeping well as of late and I have no idea why but it is definitely annoying. I had a good lunch today with Glenn at Poway Sushi Lounge (my fave!!) and then went food shopping and came home to relax. The hip held up somewhat well, the little man came back to pinch me a few times. I guess I don't know how to walk early in the morning and I kept stepping wrong on it. It wasn't the most pleasant feeling but at least I was able to get out of bed and walk without too many problems. I'm so exhausted that I can barely keep my eyes open so that is my cue to drag my ass off the couch and find my way into the bathtub for a nice long soak so I will hopefully have the same luck of being able to just pop out of bed tomorrow morning. I am going to try to get on the elliptical tomorrow morning to give me some energy to get me through the day!


Wish me luck on sleeping!

Doctors, Doctors, Doctors!

Five doctors appointments in less than two weeks. Are you kidding me?! I have a physical to hopefully be able to talk to him about my weight and how I think my hip would work better if I could lose 50 more pounds (let's hope he goes for it!) and then MRI's back to back for my ankle and hip and then onto the podiatrist to find out what has happened to my foot! I have to wait until next week to add on yet another appointment to see my hip doctor and see what the arthogram is telling him. Hopefully none of this leads to any bad news or surgeries, because honestly a break from all this would be so nice. The pain in my hip is something that I think is going to need surgical attention, and that is just so frustrating. I wish there was a way to just magically make the pain go away. If I had a way to work out that didn't cause me an immense amount of stiffness and soreness the next day I would do it, but a pool just costs too much and in this economy there's no way that I would ever be able to afford one! Too bad someone wouldn't just give me one for free, like surprise me with it BOOM there's a pool in my backyard. Wishing hasn't gotten me very far as of yet, but I'll keep doing it because eventually it has to get me somewhere right? Power of suggestion anyone?? Well time to clean to get ready for the birthday party this weekend!! Wish me luck!