Sorry I've Been MIA

I've been so busy lately that I haven't been able to find any time to come on here and blog! I felt as though I was neglecting you guys! So let's see... the hip has been off and on, but that's completely normal. I still don't know the results of the MRI, I don't find out until the 28th what it even said, and it's so frustrating to have to wait for so long, more then a month, that's just nuts to me. I guess at least I do get to know... I have a feeling that it will be the same as always. They are going to tell me there's nothing they can do for me, that I'm pretty much on pain maintenance... and well... sorry Melissa but with your previous addictions you will not be able to use anything stronger then an anti-inflammatory... aka... you're shit out of luck of not feeling your pain. I'm okay with it though, this is only making me stronger, making me know that I can deal with this and I can be a strong and amazing person even with the pain I feel all the time. I find I'm not as tired, but I also notice that I haven't been working out like I need to be.
I'm going to look into getting a pool because I feel as though if I had something easy to access like a pool I would be able to do more low impact exercise, which wouldn't make my hip hate me the next day. I think that may be the toughest thing about not being able to "normally" exercise, not be able to jog around the block, it's because when i do, when I even walk too much, the next day for me is absolute hell and I lose all motivation, because really why would I want to feel that pain again? Why would I want to be bed ridden the next day? It's such an unfair double-edged sword. I want to try to find something that will help, some sort of workout that won't aggravate my hip too much or anything, something that will help me keep my motivation to lose these last 50 lbs.
Let's see, what else...I got a new horse! She's a rescue, she has been neglected for the past four years and now I'm trying to get her to trust humans again, to get a connection that may never have been there before if I hadn't stepped in. It's nice to rescue these huge animals and get a connection with them that no one else has ever bothered to have. It makes me feel as though I'm making such a positive change in their life, and they definitely have a huge impact in my life. They get me out and get me moving, they make sure that I don't give up on myself, because if I give up on myself that means I'm giving up on them and that is something that I definitely can't do. I can't let them ever go through the what they have already been through again... it would be unfair to them and me... they are my inspiration... my heart and my soulmates...
Ok time for sleep, I'll definitely try to make it on here more!
GOODNIGHT!!

Been Busy Busy!

I have been running around for the past week or so, I'm surprised I am even finding time to blog right now, but thankful I am able too. The hip is super sore today, overworked in in the past week, but I wouldn't change it for a second. I have ridden my horse three or four times now since I bought the saddle and it feels amazing. Her and I still need to figure each other out in this new relationship we have with each other, but it's going well. I also have been walking the fair for the past two days which has been so fun, but can definitely tell how weak and off my hip is. I'm able to ignore it mostly, and I take my mobic with me so it's helpful. I have yet to stop doing it though! I can't not go to the fair, it's one of my favorite things throughout the whole year!!! One of these days I need to see how many miles I walk at the fair because I'm sure it's quite a bit, I'm sure I negate all of it with the food that I stuff my face with, but to hell with it, all that food is so good and I only eat like that when I'm there! Corn dogs and giant doughnuts!!!! how can I resist!??!
I emailed my doctor about horseback riding and I know I should have done that before hand but I don't think it will stop me even if he says it's not the greatest idea because I absolutely love it and am most happy sitting on horseback, so why ruin my happiness because it might cause something to happen. I only am able to live once, and I am going to live that once with as much happiness in my heart as I am able too.
I don't have another doctors appointment for my hip until July 28th, which is when I will find out about my MRI results. I think it's bullshit that I have to wait so long, and I get that I took forever to call but if they know that I have test results waiting they should either post them on the net like they do the rest of my results or they should get me in sooner then almost 2 months after I have the damn test. I would like to know what is going on inside my hip and what the next steps are going to be if there are any. He was saying he wanted to avoid surgery as much as possible, so that is always refreshing to hear, but at the same time it is disheartening because it's almost as if they have nothing left to do for me except MRI's every once in awhile. So frustrating! Ok time to go change my brakes and ride my horse!

I RODE TODAY!!

I rode my horse today... I am so freaking excited... she was very honery about it, but she was ridden. Then at the end of it, I ground drove her (which means a lot of walking for me) and that lasted about an hour. It was so amazing to be back in the saddle! I almost died from excitement and definitely felt like that is where I belong. I am so content right now, like I'm back where I need to be to make sense of my life. I need to work on her a little bit, she is definitely rusty, but we will work our way back to being in shape and riding comfortably. I hope to be able to get my arena cleaned out soon (if it wasn't so damn expensive) and be able to ride her with no distractions (i.e. her food and stall) and be able to just have her and I completely connected.
On Friday I go for my first true horseback riding lesson, which I am excited about. I am hoping to learn alternatives to riding without leg pressure since that is something that my hip just fatigues too quickly to do. I am also hoping to find a job soon, or another source of money, so I am able to continue to take lessons. They are somewhat far away, so gas and the lessons are going to cost me quite a bit, but this lady specializes in working with those with arthritis so it's pretty amazing. I got a hold of a couple of therapeutic riding centers around here but none of them got back to me about what their program was about which is somewhat upsetting. I might try to get a hold of them again, but it's not like they teach you how to ride, they teach other things that I don't really need to know. The only thing I need to do is remind my right side of my body how to do all this work. All I know, is I am happy to be back doing all of this and I wanted to share it all with you.
My weight has only been going up on the scale which is truly killing me, and the hip is slowly getting worse, but I'm hoping to start doing something about, to get over the pain and just get my ass in gear. I looked at Rob the other day with tears in my eyes and told him that I'm about to just start jogging again and just ignore the fact that it is probably the worst thing for me, pop some pills to numb the pain and just go. I can't do this being fat thing anymore it's killing me, literally. My hip can't take the added weight and my body is just so tired all the time and I don't want that anymore, I want to be fit and trim and in shape again. So hopefully the funk can leave and happy can return quickly!

Better Day!

I found myself on the floor a couple of times yesterday... I didn't fall but my hip would just stop working and I would sink to the floor and just sit there for a minute wondering what the hell was going on. I almost broke into to tears, but realized this is all a part of it, this is what my life entails now and I can't cry every time it happens, it can't work that way. I would pull myself off the floor and continue doing what I was doing and didn't let it phase me. Rob was definitely worried but I told him I was alright and he just kept an eye on me for the rest of the night. So lucky to have such an amazing husband who understands what I am going through and supports me through all the crazy things I try to do when we both know I shouldn't!
Today I had a pop and weird catch happen and since then I'm not as pinchy today as I have been since the MRI which is a welcome surprise. I was thinking that the injection completely fucked off my hip, but now I don't know if it's that or inactivity. It's such a double edged sword though, because I want to get up and move but it hurts so much to get up and move so I just have to will myself. I have to get past the pain that I am feeling and realize that it's all worth it. The moving and working out is only making me healthier and is making me stronger and my hip stronger which gives the disease less power over me and my life. It doesn't let it win over my life. I feel as though this is something that people with arthritis forget sometimes.
There are times when I encounter people with arthritis (quite a few at the walk on Saturday) and the just seem so defeated, as though they don't have the energy to fight. I can understand the want to give up, not having the energy to fight the battle, but if you don't fight you lose the life that you once enjoyed. I wish all those who have given up could meet someone that could show them that it's not the end of their lives to be diagnosed with arthritis. They just have to modify the way they do things now compared to then, but they can still do all the things they loved. I still hike, I may not run the trails anymore, but my ass is still out there hiking 1200 foot elevation hikes, climbing over rocks, walking up switchbacks and when I make it to the tops of those mountains there is nothing more amazing to feel then to know you just conquered a mountain. You can conquer anything as long as you put your heart, soul and mind into it because your body can do whatever you want it too as long as you can fight through what you think is your breaking point. You'll be fine... go conquer a mountain...

the blog site went down :((

That's why I have been MIA, but here I am!! Back in full force hahahaa!
So let's see, my hip has been HORRIBLE since I had the MRI on Thursday. It feels like it's constantly pinching and lately I have been getting a really sharp pain in my butt cheek, and it happens when I am laying on my stomach. Anyone else have this? This is definitely a new pain that I have never experienced before...kinda weird. I'm debating on whether I should go into the doc or not. I don't know if it's because of the injections or because I have been beyond sedentary for so long (three weeks and counting). The pounds I have fought so hard to shed are coming back with a venegance and I can't fucking take it anymore. I need to get off my ass and get moving, stop making all these lame and stupid excuses and just fucking do it. I need someone to hold me accountable, so maybe I'll start adding my weight loss adventure into this blog. I don't know how many people really read it, but at least I'll feel like I'm accountable to someone, to a group of people, who only expect the best of me... or maybe you expect nothing of me... well then I'll just pretend you expect everything out of me and I will work my hardest to appease you all!!
Ok so onto the walk on Saturday... it went soooo good. The AF really did an amazing job at this! I wish I could have raised more money, but I still have people donating even after the fact so that is awesome! I walked 1.55 miles before my poor dog was sounding like a steam train from panting so hard and my hip said NO MORE! Note to self: DO NOT get injections in your joint before you have to do a walk! worst idea EVER! I definitely didn't think the pain was going to hold on that long, but it did and boy did I pay for it. I slept most of Saturday after the walk because of the pain I was feeling. Next year I'll hit the three mile mark! I'm going to try to hike this weekend just to remind myself how strong my body and my spirit are. I think it's just what I need because sometimes I forget what I am capable of. I just hope the heat goes away so I'm able too, because the last thing I'm doing is a 7 mile hike in the heat...no thank you!!
I've been incredibly tired lately and I'm not 100% sure why. I'm guessing it's from the pain or just joint exhaustion because that's what it feels like. My hip just says no more and then all of my body says no more and the next thing I know I have spent the entire day on the couch doing absolutely nothing.... are you fucking kidding me?! I need to knock this shit off, it's unacceptable!!
Friday the San Diego County Fair starts, which by the way is one of my favorite things EVER! I cannot wait to go! Hopefully the pinchy pain will be gone by then, but it doesn't matter because its THE FAIR!!!!!!!!!!
ok time to sleep, big day playing with horses tomorrow!

Tomorrow's The Big Day!!

Tomorrow is the walk and I seriously cannot wait. I've done fundraiser walks before, which have been mostly for cancer research (both my father and mother have/were affected by cancer). My mom is a breast cancer survivor, and my dad died with brain cancer, and at one point had cancer of his tongue. Although those walks always had importance to me, this walk has a new level of importance because this is something that is affecting me personally. I have to live with this everyday, so it puts a new level of emergency on it, a new level of wanting to have a big team and to have people donate. With this economy being so shitty, no one can find the spare cash to donate though!! My mom and her husband donated $25 which is amazing, and a team member of mine donated $10 to the team, and I know every dime counts, but I want to raise THOUSANDS! Next year I think I'm going to try to get my community involved. See if some restaurants around town would want to get involved and have a fundraiser for this walk. I hope they all go for it!
I'm a little sore from the procedure yesterday, can't take a full swing through on my step yet, which is driving me nuts. I am hoping that tomorrow it's all better or close to 100% that I don't need to have a crazy limp for the entire walk! My dogs will not like it if I have to walk slowly. It wouldn't be fun for all the people who signed up to walk with me either, I'd be the slow poke in the group, and that's definitely something I never want to be in a group. When I hike I'm always in the head of the pack because I can't stand thinking "normal" or able-bodied people beating me doing anything. I want to prove to them, to everyone, but mostly to myself that nothing can beat me, hold me back or down. I know it's not how I should look at things, me v. them, but how can I not when just over six years ago I was one of them. I was an able-bodied human being, who took her health, body and athleticism for granted, thinking it was something I would always have. Now I live with the memories of my feet pounding the pavement jogging around the neighborhood, or tearing down the soccer field. So many things changed so quickly, but all those things can change, but the one thing that never has is my competitive spirit to be the best at everything I do... and that's something the car accident, hip fracture or arthritis can take away from me.

Ouchy

 When I was 11 I ripped my knee open and had to get stitches. I was having panic attacks and fighting the doctor to get away from me with any needles that he felt like assaulting my knee with. My mom had me close my eyes and picture butterflies and before I knew it knee was numbed, cleaned and stitched up. Seventeen years later, laying on a table, a doctor came at me with a 4-6 inch needle and I found myself closing my eyes and thinking of butterflies. Who knew something I learned as a kid would still hold true today as a 28 year old woman.
Had the MRI today, never knew contrasting dye could cause so many problems, and me being such a freak out for the next two days I will constantly be checking for hives, my tongue swelling and making sure I have no difficulty swallowing. I can't wait to do this walk! The MRI wasn't as bad as the first one I ever had, but I was still nervous and walked into that room palms sweating and heart racing. I climbed onto the table after having the contrasting dye injected and she handed me some headphones and asked me what music she wanted me to crank up and I of course told her to play me some country! She had me go in that thing pretty deep, but for once my clausterphobia didn't take control and I was able to close my eyes and snooze for th e 40 minutes that I laid in the tube of hell with my wonderful country music pumping through my ears. Laying on my back for that long definitely was uncomfortable, which has been the case since I hurt my hip. I can't lay on my back for more than 15 minutes without pain and discomfort rolling through my back. Once it was done though it was entertaining to watch me walk on my completely numb leg! I was scared to drive home, but I made it home safe and sound... and my wonderful husband even cooked me dinner.
Two giant needles into the hip joint has definitely turned out to be a very painful thing that as the numbing agent wears off causes great pain. I am hoping that by tomorrow the pain is much less, to nothing. I have to have full function of my hip back for the walk on Saturday. I have so many of my friends who have joined the walk, and although they couldn't donate much to nothing at all, just knowing that they are there to support me and the trials and tribulations that I am constantly going through because of my hip. It makes me feel that even though I may feel alone so many times in this process because they don't know everything I am going through, I still have those people to fall back on when I'm feeling at my lowest. That is an amazing feeling to have... I like that feeling.